“Nothing is more important than emotional energy. Nothing destroys emotional energy like a backlog of unmade decisions.”      Mira Kirshenbaum in The Emotional Energy Factor

After going back and forth about whether to do so, I wrote a resume with the intention of applying for a new job the other day. It’s the first time I’ve felt “ready” since I left my last position – utterly exhausted. In the end, I didn’t submit it. While it would have been very practical in many ways, the job just didn’t feel right.

I have learned to trust my intuition in situations like this, even if I don’t understand the reason at the time. Today it became clear. While the job was something that I felt I should do – it wasn’t what I really wanted to do. This may seem selfish – perhaps even childish – but it’s not. It’s about making choices that are consistent with your values and your goals.

For months, I have been doing my best to care for myself and regain my energy. For too long, I had been making choices that left me feeling utterly exhausted. Now, after all this time, I no longer find it acceptable to exist that way.

Today, being drawn to the Wisdom of Avalon cards for some reason, I was prompted to stay present and focus on my goal. But I haven’t been clear about what that goal actually is. At first I thought it was to go back to work. That was the answer that I should be giving. But then reality hit me and I got honest with myself. My goal, in truth, is vitality.

With that honesty came a moment of clarity. If vitality is my goal, every decision I make must support it. I can stop the usual back and forth and sitting on the fence that I usually get caught up in and, instead, make a quick decision. In any given situation, I will honour myself and choose vitality.

Today, that means:

• Make healthier food choices – eating more gluten-free and alkaline foods
• Move my body
• Breathe
• Make an appointment for a massage
• Get outside in the sun
• Do something creative
• Start planning for my next sailing adventure
• Laugh
• Don’t waste time on things I don’t care about
• Love

Having the focus to make decisions that support my goal – and being clear about what that goal is – is so freeing. A lightness and sense of excitement about my future has taken over me. 

In one moment of clarity, I have taken a step closer to having more energy and feeling vitality in my life. It seems so simple. Who knew that making a decision could do so much to lighten the load?

What unmade decisions have you been carrying around with you? Go ahead – decide – let go – and move on.

How time flies. Since my daughter finished the school year, it feels like summer has been more about being on the go than about lazy days. It’s been filled with travel to visit friends, family coming for holidays, and lots of time at the beach. Dripping hot, record-breaking days added to the memories.

Thankfully, my visits to the naturopath have helped me to feel more balanced. It’s been weeks now since I’ve felt paralysed by exhaustion. Admittedly, I’m still not the most energetic person around. But I’m learning how to take better care of myself which includes knowing when to stop and retreat into rest or a good book – even when it means leaving a group temporarily to do so. I can be social, just in little bits.

Tomorrow I leave for an unexpected nine-day sailing trip to Desolation Sound. The opportunity presented itself just a couple of days ago, and today – after going back and forth so many times wondering “should I leave for that long” – I decided to go for it. I’ve never been there and look forward to the challenge. 

Since I last wrote, I have successfully completed my CYA Basic Cruising Standard. I felt so proud when that sticker arrived in the mail. Now it is my intention to work toward intermediate certification.

What next? It hasn’t come to my awareness yet. But I do know that on the water is where I long to be.

 ”For whatever we lose (like a you or a me)/ It’s always ourselves we find in the sea.”   E. E. Cummings

In this moment, I am grateful for the abundance that surrounds me.

“Your only limitations are those you set up in your mind, or permit others to set up for you.” Og Mandino

In a few hours, I will join a group of women – most of whom I’ve never met – to head out for four days of sailing in the Southern Gulf Islands of British Columbia. I’m both excited and nervous.

The adventure excites me. And I always appreciate time to just be “Marla the woman” versus what sometimes seems to be my primary identities as mother, wife, cook and family social planner. Instead, I will spend my time with other women who share an interest in sailing and the personal growth that comes with it. It’s all about balance.

What makes me nervous is the sailing itself – more specifically, whether I have the skills to do it well. I’m in the process of completing the “afloat skills” portion of my Canadian Yachting Association Basic Cruising certification. Once again, the perfectionist in me is starting to surface and promote self-doubt.

I bought my boat a year ago and still do not have the confidence that I would like. That’s what I appreciate about going out with other women. We share in the vulnerability and the celebration of being at the helm. What I’ve found is that it applies both at sea and to life in general.

Being on the ocean is freedom to me. It promotes wellness: body, mind, spirit and emotion. So it is all the more critical that I “feel the fear and do it anyway”. After all, about a year and a half ago – when I went sailing for the first time – I would never have believed that I would have achieved what I have to date. Anything is possible!

Thankfully I have people in my life who both push me beyond my perceived limits and support me while I’m in the process. I am grateful.

Until next time, clear the decks…

And, if you’re looking for some inspiration, check out Pacific Lady by Sharon Sites Adams.

“Healing is a coming to terms with things as they are, rather than struggling to force them to be as they once were, or as we would like them to be…” Jon Kabat-Zinn

Today, I added another woman to my health and wellness team. Now, in addition to my medical doctor, chiropractor and massage/energy worker, I have a naturopathic doctor for the first time in my life.

I had been feeling like there was a missing link in my journey to improved well-being. My energy has still been low and weight slow to come off despite healthier eating, more exercise and less stress. In discussing it with my massage therapist, she recommended that I see a naturopath.

After doing so, I feel both humbled and hopeful.

I learned that there is a reason that I’m not feeling well – more than just perception. In fact, I am probably sicker than I wanted to believe. It didn’t make sense to me that after all this time away from work and focussing on self-care, I was still not feeling as strong and alive as I feel I should be.

According to my naturopath, that’s because my adrenals are probably fatigued, my hormones are probably imbalanced, and, based on my symptoms, the possibility of a chronic fatigue diagnosis was raised. Next step is the blood testing.

I was surprised to hear her reaction – but in a way, relieved. Finally I can stop beating myself up for not being “strong enough” to cope with the daily stuff of life in the way that I think I should be able to by now. After being assured that there is light at the end of the tunnel – but it could take a while – I felt hopeful again that I will be able to lead a full life instead of feeling like a walking zombie.

Then I wondered why I waited so long to seek help.

Accepting that there might really be something wrong with me and asking for help has been a challenge. I don’t want to be labelled. I don’t want to be perceived as incapable. I don’t want to be weak. I thought I could work it out on my own.

But there comes a time when you reach the end of your rope and have to do something differently. Today was one of those days. So I’ll work with this new approach and trust that it will bring positive results. I want to (and deserve to) feel vibrant again.

Interestingly, for the past couple of days I’ve been pulled toward using my Wisdom of Avalon oracle cards for support. Today I finally sat with them. I didn’t know what specific question to ask, so as I shuffled the deck I just asked for “whatever it is that I need to know right now”.

It wasn’t immediate, but the Dragon jumped out at me. I had never drawn that card before. But it was completely appropriate that I did today.

The Dragon represents strength and power, both of which exist as an infinite source within us. “Watch for a signal – the Dragon always makes the next step clear, and it gives you the power to take it.”

Today my task is to stay present and acknowledge what is so that I can lovingly move forward on my path and ask for the help that I need along the way. I cannot help myself by being judgemental.

“Living an excellent life is a manifestation of self-love.” Robin Sharma

“Plants give us oxygen for the lungs and for the soul.” ~Linda Solegato

“You can bury a lot of troubles digging in the dirt.” ~Author Unknown

“Gardens are a form of autobiography.” ~Sydney Eddison, Horticulture magazine, August/September 1993

The garden has been calling me, drawing me in to its presence and its possibility. While I know little about plants and have no real desire to learn the details, working in my garden fills my soul.

My garden is one of my artistic and spiritual expressions. It speaks to who I am and who I want to be. It is my place of creativity, of nurturance and of connecting with the cycle of life.

A work in progress, the garden is a tool for my own healing process.

I love to pull weeds to create space for something else. Perhaps it’s the physical expression of what I’m also doing inside.

I love to envision new possibilities for the space. Often there is no plan, just intuition.

I love to find discounted plants that need some TLC and try to create space for them to reach their full potential. It’s partly about budget and a challenge – but perhaps it’s also a soft spot for the underdog or the “not so beautiful” that lies both among and within us.

Each plant gets planted and then I watch to see if it’s happy in that place. If not, I’ll move it somewhere else. It’s not a control issue. I can’t wish (or force) the plants to flourish in a space that doesn’t suit their true nature. I am learning that it’s the same for me.

In the garden, I’m not looking for perfection. Interestingly, I still expect it of myself.

“To practice an art, to need it and to love it, is the quickest way of learning that all happiness lies in one’s self…” Wallace Stevens